just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize