I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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