Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I need a burrito and a hug.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
