I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Randomize
