Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
