He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
