im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Randomize
