i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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