I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
