and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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