dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
