I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
