I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
