I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
