Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
