He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
