dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
