i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
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