I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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