you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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