youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
