we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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