I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
