i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
