Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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