You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
