11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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