3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
