Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
