can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
