I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
you win again, gameday.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
