I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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