Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
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