I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
