Already got asked if we're dating
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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