when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
nutella sex= disaster
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
