I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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