I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
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