He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
