I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize