Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
