Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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