so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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