Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize