Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
