Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Randomize
