1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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