Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
