Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
