He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
