There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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