I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
