Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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