I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize