I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
