Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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