were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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