I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
