I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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