Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
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