I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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