Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize