I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
