am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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