mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
