walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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