we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
