Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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