What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
