I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
