every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
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