I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
