just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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