Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Randomize
