It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
