i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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