Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
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